You have never done martial arts but you know that inside you would be a champion if only you wanted to?
Do you like to give your unsolicited opinion on things you understand nothing about?
Do you try to become someone’s best friend within the first 10 seconds of meeting them?
Then this article is just for you!

I have collected especially for you 7 foolproof tricks to make friends with any martial arts practitioner.
Or to get the shit kicked out of you.
Either one should work.

1 The move you weren’t ready for.
You wait until he is distracted and then you feign an attack. Better if with the edge of the hand. then you say “caught you off guard”. But not in an accusatory way, more a friendly thing like “come on, it’s no big deal”. This is a very nice way to start a chat and a long-lasting friendship. It also makes the martial arts practitioner realize that he shouldn’t feel overconfident thus making him more approachable.

2 The big question.
Ask: “Yes, but what if someone attacks you from afar with a rifle?” Or, if you want to give him an easier option “what if they shoot you with a gun from afar?” With this question you prove your intelligence because you show that you are able to imagine even very complex situations. If the practitioner is resentful then you can immediately play the [trump] card of “c’mon have a laugh” which is always fun and brilliant.

3 Tell something about yourself, don’t be shy.
After hearing which martial art he practices, just say “btw, d’you know that my cousin once did it too?” This way, a strong emotional bond with your fellow practitioner is immediately created. There is also a variant of this sophisticated strategy “I also did it as a child.” which is even more powerful but be careful, you need to have done it for real in order to avoid embarrassment in case of subsequent questions. Alternatively you could say “Ah! I once read a book on this martial art. ” which works better because if he starts asking questions you could always say “well but it was a long time ago.” which is always good for a book.

4 MMA by any chance?
Pay attention to this one which is very effective but must be said with the right tone: “Oh!, but have you ever thought of doing an emmemmeiiii championship?” The emphasis should be placed on the initial oh just as if you had thought the thing on the spot. This sentence immediately makes it clear that you have a genuine interest in the practitioner and his martial art. Chances are he will add you to his friends list on facebook right away, so be prepared.

5 Who would win between…?
Ask: “But in your opinion who would win between…” and here you put two great fighters alive or dead, real or imaginary… it doesn’t really matter. By using this question you stimulate the imagination of the practitioner and at the same time you have the cue to suggest some clever observations such as “eh because he had that move that …” and even making some quick gestures a few inches from his face. Furthermore you can also pick from fictional characters taken from video games and comics. I mean, do you even realize? you are discussing martial arts without having ever practiced one. 

6 Could you teach me a move?
This is yet another very effective strategy as long as you show a deeply involved facial expression at the same time. When the obvious question arises “yes but which move?”, you must immediately answer “The best one” or “The most effective you know.” If the practitioner is still reluctant then you should make it clear that you got the message (consider  winking or not) and then say “eh, oh well, keep your secrets then”

If you use all these things at the right moment, it may also happen so that the practitioner would shake your hand with a smile, you know like when you recognize someone’s greatness but words fail you.

7 I’ll tell you what my master had me doing.
This advanced strategy is reserved for those who have even practiced a martial art for a few days. You can also use it by interrupting the practitioner’s speech, and don’t worry, he will surely be delighted.
Then begin to tell in great detail what you did no matter if related to a completely different martial art, real or otherwise. If you really want to use this strategy, but have never done martial arts in your life, you could also borrow the plot of an action film of your choice and illustrate it as if you were the protagonist. 

Be careful though!
Just describe the workouts and don’t forget to change the main character’s name to your own.